Filed under: Desi's Holiday Guidance
More resolutions.
To post more.
To write more.
To develop a fan base for my online presence.
Increase my awesomeness.
To name a few.
Happy New Year!
Filed under: Desi's Holiday Guidance
How To Celebrate Kwanzaa by Desi Waters
(Based on vague ideas that come to me in dream states)
BASICS and HISTORY
Kwanzaa is an African-American holiday created by this dude in the 80s. It gives little black children something to do during Christmas break and connects us to our Jewish brethren by stealing their religious practices. It begins on December 26 and ends on or about January 1st.
Everyday, or night, or a time when you suddenly realize it is Kwanzaa you light a candle in your Inari or Kinara (one is a sushi the other is the actual name – I get them confused).
In the beginning the names stood for values needed to be Black. Some of our people had gone rogue, according to Wikipedia. So, “Smart Black Guy” gave us these values:
- Kujichagulia – Self Determination
- Imani – Faith
- Nia – Purpose
- Ujima – Collective Work and Responsibility
- Jemima – for entrepreneurship
- Shante – from the Tenant Patrol
- Kunta Kinte – To never be slaves again and,
- Jennifer Holiday – Entertainment – the family would gather and sing “And I am Telling You”
MODERN DAY KWANZAA
In modern times, or at least more modern than the unspecified date I spoke of in the 1980s, each day is represented by a successful black person and a baleful ditty related to their accomplishments. In order:
December 26th (Boxing Day) – Denzel Washington – we celebrate his movies especially the boxing one; yell out “Fly like a butterfly, sting like a bee”; light the first candle while singing “Mama Gonna Knock You Out” by LL in honor of Boxing Day.
December 27th – Oprah – This is a day of charitable giving just like Oprah. We send three checks on this day, one to charity, one to an inmate and one to a bill collector. Light a candle and sing “Bills, Bills, Bills” by Destiny’s child.
December 28th – Malcolm X – We watch the movie “X” and get made at white people. Then we light a candle and realize it’s the government and capitalism we are really mad at. Any song by NWA is appropriate.
December 29th – Rosa Parks – On this day feel free to sit down wherever you want. Just whatever you do don’t get up. If your kids are calling, or the bus driver tells you to move, or your husband asks you to make him a turkey potpie – refuse to get up! Light a candle and sing, “I Shall Not Be Moved” Most importantly do not sing Outkast’s “Rosa Parks” she hated the song (she was against sampling).
December 30th – Slaves – formerly Kunta Kinte Day but too many people liked Kunta Kinte and the point is to be anti-slavery. Light a candle and sing, “Pick a Bail of Cotton”. Imagine what it would be like to be a slave than come up with a list of five things that would be better than slavery. My list from last year included vacationing, karaoke, shopping, the Champagne Room and freedom (any sort).
December 31st – Hip Hop – This is the party night of Kwanzaa and New Year’s Eve. We eat pork. Revive old customs from the south (whether you have family there or not). Light a candle or just have a kamikaze shot while singing DMX “Up in Here” … while thinking about Kwanzaa.
January 1st – Obama Day – If you are not too hung over light a candle and sing “We Did Overcome.” It is also good to avoid all media, as you will be reminded that perhaps we have not overcome enough – so just ignore the racism and ghetto-ism for a day. Racist dude’s Kwanzaa
NOTES:
- To celebrate Kwanzaa all you need is Blackness, familiarity with Black culture and candles (food, drinks and an iPod are optional)
- Due to the recession there are no presents to be exchanged. Also, black people are cheap.
- If you are not black – Feel free to celebrate Kwanzaa in your own home, it’s a little weird but it might make you seem pretty liberal and culturally advanced.
- Also, I suggest you only wish Black people a Happy Kwanzaa if they say it first. If you say it first you could offend someone (I know that makes no sense).
if you need actual information go to Kwanzaa
Filed under: daggone gubmint
So, my nephew Steven has been in jail for some time. In and out since he was a teen. I recently started writing and sending him money. He kept asking me for double what I was sending and I couldn’t figure it out. I soon learned that when I was sending him $40 -the government took 1/2. For what I am not sure. They do pay for housing and basic food. But he was charged weekly for toiletries, better food, rent, etc. Yes, prisons are expensive and he can’t have a completely free ride. However, I would love to see the accounting on all the 1/2 fees they take out on prisoners money orders. I have seen people send hundreds of dollars a month. Where does tax money end and the gouging begin?
Then I learned that as of September 1st the American Prison System will be embarking on another great money making venture – jPay. Basically it is a service that will be in charge of delivering money electronically to prisons. So instead of my .44 cent stamp. I HAVE TO PAY jPAY up to $10 in delivery fees. The prison will not accept my .99 cent money order via mail. Everything must go through jPay.
jPay will offer email services to inmates making it easier to communicate with them. Not as bad it cost .25 cents per email roughly – however email is free. They are doing such a high volume of business since emails are easier for families to send in general. They just pocket the 5 – 10 dollar fees they charge.
As long as people find new ways to make money off the prison system. The system will keep growing. I am doing my part, helping my nephew make the right decisions and pick the right friends. he has his H.S. Diploma (though prison issued) and we have been talking about him taking psychology courses and working with kids when he gets out. But, I fear though he is worth more money to the prison system in then out. They won’t get extra money every month. And he won’t be paying rent on a cot that our tax dollars already paid for.
If my nephew suggested jPay and started this business on his own – he would probably be in violation of his parole. Rehabilitation America. Not more money making schemes.
Filed under: Uncategorized
sorry folks
it took some time for …
someone suggested I get a twitter account. But that is too much pressure. I barely update my blog how will I keep up with my twats?
My medical issues:
I went to make an eye doctor appointment. She told me that my insurance only provides medically necessary eye care. She asked me if I was having a medical problem. I told her, “Well when I take my contacts out I can’t see.” She informed me of the $155 eye exam and sent me on my way. Apparently, not being able to see is caused by the winds of change and not something “medically” wrong with body.
Can I get contacts with their “socialist” health insurance? I might move there.
Filed under: Uncategorized
by Sasha Kramer on Tue, 01/19/2010 – 11:10 January 19, 2010
This afternoon, feeling helpless, we decided to take a van down to Champs Mars (the area around the palace) to look for people needing medical care to bring to Matthew 25, the guesthouse where we are staying which has been transformed into a field hospital. Sincewe arrived in Port au Prince everyone has told us that you cannot go into the area around the palace because of violence and insecurity. I was in awe as we walked into downtown, among the flattened buildings , in the shadow of the fallen palace, amongst the swarms of displaced people there was calm and solidarity. We wound our way through the camp asking for injured people who needed to get to the hospital. Despite everyone telling us that as soon as we did this we would be mobbed by people, I was amazed as we approached each tent people gently pointed us towards their neighbors, guiding us to those who were suffering the most. We picked up 5 badly injured people and drove towards an area where Ellie and Berto had passed a woman earlier. When they saw her she was lying on the side of the road with a broken leg screaming for help, as they were on foot they could not help her at the time so we went back to try to find her. Incredibly we found her relatively quickly at the top of a hill of shattered houses. The sun was setting and the community helped to carry her down the hill on a refrigerator door, tough looking guys smiled in our direction calling out “bonswa Cherie” and “kouraj”….
When we got back to Matthew 25 it was dark and we carried the patients back into the soccer field/tent village/hospital where the team of doctors had been working tirelessly all day. Although they had officially closed down for the evening, they agreed to see the patients we had brought. Once our patients were settled in we came back into the house to find the doctors amputating a foot on the dining room table. The patient lay calmly, awake but far away under the fog of ketamine.
Half way through the surgery we heard a clamor outside and ran out to see what it was. A large yellow truck was parked in front of the gate and rapidly unloading hundreds of bags of food over our fence, the hungry crowd had already begun to gather and in the dark it was hard to decide how to best distribute the food. Knowing that we could not sleep in the house with all of this food and so many starving people in the neighborhood, our friend Amber (who is experienced in food distribution) snapped into action and began to get everyone in the crowd into a line that stretched down the road. We braced ourselves for the fighting that we had heard would come but in a miraculous display of restraint and compassion people lined up to get the food and one by one the bags were handed out without a single serious incident. During the food distribution the doctors called to see if anyone could help to bury the amputated leg in the backyard. As I have no experience with food distribution I offered to help with the leg. I went into the back with Ellie and Berto and we dug a hole and placed the leg in it, covering it with soil and cement rubble. By the time we got back into the house the food had all been distributed and the patient Anderson was waking up. The doctors asked for a translator so I went and sat by his stretcher explaining to him that the surgery had gone well and he was going to live. His family had gone home so he was alone so Ellie and I took turns sitting with him as he came out from under the drugs. I sat and talked to Anderson for hours as he drifted in and out of consciousness. At one point one of the Haitian men working at the hospital came in and leaned over Anderson and said to him in kreyol “listen man even if your family could not be here tonight we want you to know that everyone here loves you, we are all your brothers and sisters”. Cat and I have barely shed a tear through all of this, the sky could fall and we would not bat an eye, but when I told her this story this morning the tears just began rolling down her face, as they are mine as I am writing this. Sometimes it is the kindness and not the horror that can break the numbness that we are all lost in right now. So, don’t believe Anderson Cooper when he says that Haiti is a hotbed for violence and riots, it is just not the case. In the darkest of times, Haiti has proven to be a country of brave, resilient and kind people and it is that behavior that is far more prevalent than the isolated incidents of violence.
Please pass this on to as many people as you can so that they can see the light of Haiti, cutting through the darkness, the light that will heal this nation.We are safe. We love you all and I will write again when I can. Thank you for your generosity and compassion.
With love from Port au Prince,Sasha
Filed under: Uncategorized
“Marriage is a social union or legal contract between individuals that creates kinship. It is an institution in which interpersonal relationships, usually intimate and sexual, are acknowledged by a variety of ways, depending on the culture or demographic. Such a union may also be called matrimony, while the ceremony that marks its beginning is usually called a wedding and the marital structure created is known as wedlock.” – wiki
I am trying to locate the part that says one person must have a penis and the other a vagina. Can anyone locate that section for me?
Filed under: Uncategorized
Let me get this right.
Because we failed to check the manifest of a flight from Amsterdam and allowed someone to fly who really shouldn’t have even after his own father told us he was plotting something.
We are beefing up security in countries that terrorists wouldn’t fly from and blaming other countries security for our issues and our mistakes.
And the JFK thing where no one was watching people enter through the exit that was Afghanistan’s fault?
The billion dollar Intelligence agencies and the FAA really can’t come up with something? Watch DaVinci Code and Bourne Ultimatum look what they do with Interpol and little tools called a computer and a phone.
Filed under: Uncategorized
this is your card!
I do not agree with the whole “don’t celebrate any holiday” or “celebrate only Christmas” idea. It’s great for people to celebrate and learn about other cultures and traditions. I know more Chanukah songs than many of my Jewish friends (I am not Jewish, if u were confused).
So, I hope you have a good time celebrating whatever you celebrate when it is mad cold out and wherever you live respects and celebrates all the amazing traditions in the world and allows the Chanukah bush, Xmas twig, Kwanzaa corn, and the Festivus Gift Card King to be celebrated full out. Today we focus on Xmas.
Why did the parent’s allow their tween girls to dance to Lady Ga Ga’s Xmas Tree in the Hollywood Parade. These are the lyrics – it is not about a tree:
”’Ho ho ho under the mistletoe
yes everybody knows
we will take off our clothes
yes if you want us to we will
you oh oh a christmas
my christmas tree is delicious,,,
Parents just because Xmas is mentioned does not mean it is appropriate for your kid to sing. Other bad Xmas songs (real and imagined):
“Santa baby”
“F** Up a jew on Xmas”
The entire South Park Album
“I Had Sex With a Stranger in a Red Fuzzy Suit”
Here is a great quote from someone featured on the “socialist” White House Xmas tree: “I may never get equal rights, I may never be blond and pencil thin, I may never see Lady Gaga in concert this winter at Madison Square Garden but one of my balls is hanging in the White House with my name for all to see.” – Hedda Lettuce, yes your balls are…
and on that note, remember
Santa doesn’t need you. Santa doesn’t need anybody. Bah!!!
Filed under: Uncategorized
now i would like for you to have the stuff from my head in your head.
I keeps singing “Up On A Housetop” and don’t understand why the song randomly starts making up words in the end. It went from Santa saying “Ho ho ho” to children singing “shoop boop boop” I really don’t think any children sang “shoop boop boop” on Xmas day.
Of course now I can’t find that version anymore to prove my point. After searching my iPod for an hour I am beginning to think I was listening as I fell asleep and made that up. I also thought the song was “Up on a rooftop”. I blame my Jehovah’s Witness upbringing on my inablility to properly identify and sing xmas carols. What accounts for my ability to sing Chanukah songs, though?
Also in my head: I wanted to bring some wine to my future mother – in – law this Xmas so I went to the TSA website to see what I could and couldn’t bring on the flight. I was confused to see Cranberry Sauce on the top of the list.So I cannot bring a spear, pool cue, box cutter, snowglobes, gel inserts or cranberry sauce on the plane. Got it. Totally sensible.
All the gifts I was bringing to my in laws. Totally ruined.I want to know now how many cranberry sauce attacks there have been in aviation history. Or are they breaking up an illegal cranberry sauce ring?
Think about this while I go and obsessively check my email to see if my professors have emailed my grades yet.
Have a happy and safe holiday. I won’t even pretend that I will blog before the New Year.
Filed under: Uncategorized
My friend Jeff has upset the religious right. it’s his dream come true so go see his show and support him!!!
Desi's Blog O' Thoughts 