Desi’s Blog O’ Thoughts

How To Celebrate Kwanzaa by Desi Waters

(Based on vague ideas that come to me in dream states)

BASICS and HISTORY

Kwanzaa is an African-American holiday created by this dude in the 80s. It gives little black children something to do during Christmas break and connects us to our Jewish brethren by stealing their religious practices. It begins on December 26 and ends on or about January 1^st.

Everyday, or night, or a time when you suddenly realize it is Kwanzaa you light a candle in your Inari or Kinara (one is a sushi the other is the actual name – I get them confused).

In the beginning the names stood for values needed to be Black. Some of our people had gone rogue, according to Wikipedia. So, “Smart Black Guy” gave us these values:

• Kujichagulia – Self Determination
• Imani – Faith
• Nia – Purpose
• Ujima – Collective Work and Responsibility
• Jemima – for entrepreneurship
• Shante – from the Tenant Patrol
• Kunta Kinte – To never be slaves again and,
• Jennifer Holiday – Entertainment – the family would gather and sing “And I am Telling You”

MODERN DAY KWANZAA

In modern times, or at least more modern than the unspecified date I spoke of in the 1980s, each day is represented by a successful black person and a baleful ditty related to their accomplishments. In order:

December 26^th (Boxing Day) – Denzel Washington – we celebrate his movies especially the boxing one; yell out “Fly like a butterfly, sting like a bee”; light the first candle while singing “Mama Gonna Knock You Out” by LL in honor of Boxing Day.

December 27^th – Oprah – This is a day of charitable giving just like Oprah. We send three checks on this day, one to charity, one to an inmate and one to a bill collector. Light a candle and sing “Bills, Bills, Bills” by Destiny’s child.

December 28^th – Malcolm X – We watch the movie “X” and get made at white people. Then we light a candle and realize it’s the government and capitalism we are really mad at. Any song by NWA is appropriate.

December 29^th – Rosa Parks – On this day feel free to sit down wherever you want. Just whatever you do don’t get up. If your kids are calling, or the bus driver tells you to move, or your husband asks you to make him a turkey potpie – refuse to get up! Light a candle and sing, “I Shall Not Be Moved” Most importantly do not sing Outkast’s “Rosa Parks” she hated the song (she was against sampling).

December 30^th – Slaves – formerly Kunta Kinte Day but too many people liked Kunta Kinte and the point is to be anti-slavery. Light a candle and sing, “Pick a Bail of Cotton”.  Imagine what it would be like to be a slave than come up with a list of five things that would be better than slavery. My list from last year included vacationing, karaoke, shopping, the Champagne Room and freedom (any sort).

December 31^st – Hip Hop – This is the party night of Kwanzaa and New Year’s Eve. We eat pork. Revive old customs from the south (whether you have family there or not).  Light a candle or just have a kamikaze shot while singing DMX “Up in Here” … while thinking about Kwanzaa.

January 1^st – Obama Day – If you are not too hung over light a candle and sing “We Did Overcome.”  It is also good to avoid all media, as you will be reminded that perhaps we have not overcome enough – so just ignore the racism and ghetto-ism for a day. Racist dude’s Kwanzaa

NOTES:

• To celebrate Kwanzaa all you need is Blackness, familiarity with Black culture and candles (food, drinks and an iPod are optional)
• Due to the recession there are no presents to be exchanged. Also, black people are cheap.
• If you are not black – Feel free to celebrate Kwanzaa in your own home, it’s a little weird but it might make you seem pretty liberal and culturally advanced.
• Also, I suggest you only wish Black people a Happy Kwanzaa if they say it first.  If you say it first you could offend someone (I know that makes no sense).

if you need actual information go to Kwanzaa